These Rules of Acquisition are based on the policies of the Bi Party, once known separately as the "Republicans" and the "Democrats" but now united in the firmly held belief that world democratic governments rightfully should be owned by those who can afford them.
This list is protected by the right to free speech in the use of parody, ha, ha!.
"Government should help most those who need help least."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #1
"Always throw workers a bone but never the plate."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #2
"Tell workers they are middle class."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #3
"Label anybody who supports workers a Socialist, especially the workers."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #4
"Never let a Socialist into a Presidential debate."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #5
"Never let a Libertarian into a Presidential debate."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #6
"Take impeachment off the table before it starts a trend."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #7
"Never admit defeat no matter what the cost to somebody else."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #8
"You never count your dead while you're sitting at the table."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #9
"Other nations' dead don't count."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #10
"Acceptance of war is inversely proportional to the number of citizens who die."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #11
"Empire is best built by remote control."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #12
"Always count all the votes cast, and a few more for good measure."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #13
"Never give a third second-party candidate an even break."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #14
"Voters don't elect candidates, campaign contributors do."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #15
"Political leaders can't be terrorists."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #16
"Healthcare is for the healthy."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #17
"A patient without a diagnosis is a patient who doesn't need healthcare."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #18
"Treat a patient and you have a customer for life. Cure a patient and you've lost a repeat customer."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #19
"The free market is for workers. Big business doesn't need it."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #20
"If it's profitable, it must be right."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #21
"If he's rich, he must be right."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #22
"People will always act in their best interest no matter the cost."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #23
"People living on Social Security don't need accessibility because they don't have anywhere to go."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #24
"Borders are for people, not jobs."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #25
"Lower wages improve America's competitiveness in a global market."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #26
"Low wages are a sign of a strong economy."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #27
"To base the minimum wage on the cost of living would cause inflation."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #28
"When all you have is a pillow, you'll fight for it."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #29
"The truth shall put you in prison."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #30
"Don't get caught in a lie. Claim to have no memory of the event."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #31
"Value can only be measured in dollars."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #32
"Whatever you have, whether good or bad, you must deserve it or you wouldn't have it."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #33
"We live in a just world."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #34
"Wealth is next to holiness ."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #34
"Meaning comes from submission to the will of God and His representatives on Earth."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #35
"Give unto Caesar, until it hurts then give some more."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #36
"An injury to one is an injury to one."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #37
"Don't walk the walk when you can talk the talk ."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #38
"Turn the other cheek if it's profitable."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #39
"If you're disabled, stay home."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #40
"Never locate disabled parking near an entrance or they might go in."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #41
"When caught, blame nightshift then ask for mercy in their punishment."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #42
"Never deny, claim to have no recollection."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #43
"Cause terrorism, but don't surrender to it."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #44
"Being wealthy is the highest service to the country."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #45
"If going in one direction doesn't work out, go faster."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #46
"Estoppel can nullify any law."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #47
"If rational thought has been surrendered, resistance is futile."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #48
"Motivate workers by giving less to the less productive, not more to the more productive."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Azquisition #49
"Lending an enemy money makes them afraid you'll call the loan."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #49
"Borrowing money from an enemy makes them afraid you'll default on the loan."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #50
"Manufacturing financial dependence makes friends easy to control."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #51
"Dismiss bad news as a partisan attack."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #52
"Lie with truth. Say: 'Everbody knows I'm not a crook.' When they learn you are a crook, all you said was that everybody knew you weren't."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #53
"When pressed for a straight answer, look frustrated and ask journalists if they don't have any other questions."
— U.S. Bi Party Rules of Acquisition #54